Episode two of how not to fix things properly. This week we delve into home disimprovement. I am going to explain how to break your windows and then repair them, manunderstress style.
First, break a window while trying to kick a shoe off somewhere inside your home. Next, board up the window and leave glass on the floor so that you track it all over the house to properly receive glass splinters over the next few months. After that, board up windows and let house take on the vintage glamor of a craftsman era crack house. Now, wait a month or two before getting around to measuring windows. When inertia loosens its hold, take your measurements, but make sure they are put where they will be easily misplaced. Wait two weeks to make sure that measurements are completely lost in the disarray that is your life. Remeasure windows. Go to the magic glass cutting place and get replacement panes (optional: make incorrect measurements ensuring that the pane won’t fit.) Place pane into window making sure to cut yourself at least once, and glaze with that glazing shit. Leave it on lumpy for a long time. Finally, shape the glaze with a putty knife and wait 3 years to paint, or never paint.
This was the first D*Con that I actually bought a badge for, although admittedly too late and only for one day. Peachtree Center food court still I think the best place to get great candids of Troopers windin’ down, getting their Gyro on, etc. Also should have started watching the parade from Woodruff, not the Hyatt, too crowded. We managed to take in a couple of panels, although the Geisha dancing was canceled. Nerd fest. Regrets: missed the Apocalyptic Writing workshop and “Frodo: the Reluctant Hero.” Only at D*Con! Looked in on the Thriller dance, hilarious but I had no desire to be a part of that. ARC attack Masquerade was slammed, too slammed to get in, or spend too much time trying to get in. Lots of steampunk action. Saw the 30 rock guy. Lou Ferrigno. Drank Sweet Carolina Tea vodka out of the bike bag. It still kills me that they only let badged people into the merchandise rooms. Do they just not need the money? In the works for next year, Gatchaman costumes, getting a large group of people to share a room at the Marriott for a base. This would make resting, drinking, downtime that much easier while cavorting with the freaks and geeks…
More on the excitement of TdF that you are missing: Two riders shot (seriously, when does this ever happen?) Spectator death. Earpiece politics. Controversial calls. Don’t forget the twittering chalkbot, who threatens to surpass the tweeting of all time TdF tweeting champion, Lance Armstrong. And of course, bad-ass crashes. In honor of Jens Voigt, I did a drunken faceplant road tweet in the wee Monday morning hours.
Does digital signify the end of formats altogether? In a way, I think it does. Now that music and movies are reduced to downloadable files with no physical necessity, we can return to the mediums we really prefer, like vinyl. Today I was record browsing in Criminal Records and a young girl asks me if I’ll answer some questions about my habit for some magazine. It’s the standard stuff, why vinyl, do you have an ipod, etc. and I forget to explain my new investment strategy of dump the 401k and whatever bad market indexing scheme you have going on (managed or not) and invest in good ol’ vinyl. Because with anything limited edition you are going to double your money in a few months. Look at LPs on Ebay and see what I mean. Now that we have eliminated the problem of electronic media, we can get back to enjoying it how we truly prefer. LP or 8-track? Sure the downloads and the ipod work for most things. But don’t bitch to me about piracy when I’ve just spent $100 on metal records.
We know why you wouldn’t watch the Tour de France, but don’t forget about the wipeouts. And in case you weren’t aware, Lance Armstrong twitters. Oh the excitement.
We all know some pretty ridiculously self-delusional types, but I like the idea that it’s a necessary evil, in the strict ontological sense that a being simply cannot know itself, like the architectural flaw of the eye that cannot see itself. Theory goes that without it we’d all realize we were pathetic mediocre slobs full of faults, possibly even terrible people, incapable of change, etc. Then we’d all just give up and kill ourselves. But there is something fascinating about this blind spot.
Tonight I hear about 4 bars being robbed early Thursday AM. 4 in the same night! Not to mention a fatal stabbing in Piedmont Park (male-hustling related or not…we’ve all been there.) City council-lady robbed for the 3rd time in 9 months. A woman attacked during a home invasion. After being burgled, I have been somewhat, but not really, surprised to hear that most people have an equal or worse story about Atlanta crime that happened to them. And the best part, the city of Atlanta is claiming that crime is down! Puhleez. The Mayor AND the Chief of Police need to fall. They have failed the taxpayers. That is all.
Survivalists just kill me. The first thing on my post-apocalyptic agenda after voluntarily becoming a zombie will be to hunt down them all down. That’s the game, yo…
So fucking what. Traffic laws were intended for cars, face it. Bike infractions- running through red lights, stops signs (puhleez), are effectively tantamount to inane pedestrian offenses like jaywalking. As long as a cyclist is riding accountably, who cares about traffic laws made for bigger, dumber vehicles. Anyone that thinks bikers need to obey traffic laws has never been on a bike or experienced the reality of bicycle commuting. I understand that it would be a safer world if we all wore helmets and waited for Mary Poppins to cue us to cross the street but this reality is unlikely. So let’s choose a more pragmatic one. When was the last time you stopped fully at a stop sign in a car? When I hit a red light biking on an uphill, you sure as fuck better bet I’m going to run it to keep my wheels rolling and my struggle against gravity continuing. And of course I’m going to make sure the coast is clear first! On a bike this much easier to do than in a car. One has much more peripheral vision and also agility, and the ability to start and stop quicker. I find most of the time that I am passing cars in city traffic, and that THEY are like giant cumbersome animals, distracted by their cell phones and limited visibility. Plus I can get from one side of Atlanta to the other in 10 fucking minutes on a bike with one gear. So fuck you.
I’m not a beer fanatic, but Duck Rabbit Porter is the best fucking beer I have put to my sweet lips. Oh sweet but subtle chocolate. And it’s a lively buzz too. Seriously, why are you reading a website when you can be drinking this beer? Guinness fans this applies especially to you. Be gone now.
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