Life Saving Beer Techniques
It finally happened. I’ve always kept a safe distance from fireworks, but nevertheless enjoyed them along with the spectacular booziness of the 4th of July. But last night all that changed when one of those fiery spinner thingys launched off of the grass, bounced around a bit randomly, and then made it’s way straight for my neck, like a june bug on a suicide mission. It choose me, out of all those people partying innocently on a lawn in Cabbage Town. Karmic, no doubt. I did what you normally do in such emergencies, when evil things land on you, and shook myself all crazy. In the process I drenched the side of my head, and possibly doused the attacker, with the Corona that was in my left hand. Thank you, beer, for being there when I needed you.
July 5th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Beer drinking saves lives.
One time in high school i was with a group shooting off bottle rockets. The dog went and picked up the bottle rocket and was running around while it was waiting to go off. It went off directly sideways, parallel to the ground, straight at a group of us. Dog was unharmed. I think it was our slow, beer-addled minds that kept us from moving quickly. If we had, one of us surely would have taken a bottle rocket in the eye, vindicating mothers everywhere, and God knows that would suck.
July 6th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
What could’ve happened to you:
Hello,
I am Roisin’s father. July 4th, Roisin and friends were in Dolores Park watching fireworks. Some stupid piece of shit threw an M60 at them. It landed on Roisin’s right hand and blew it apart. She will undego surgery later this morning but it doesn’t look good. Most likely she will lose her index finger; second and third fingers will also be permanently impaired and disfigured. Needless to say, her musical career is over.
I want this fucker. Media attention will help flush him out. People know who did it and I’m offering $20,000 for a name. Please do whatever is necessary to get the story out. Do so and I will reward you as well.
Thank you,
Chris Isner
chrisisner@hotmail.com
July 6th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Forgot to add this:
Roisin Isner, drummer for the San Francisco band Tinkture lost her hand in Dolores Park last night watching the fireworks.
July 6th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
That sucks bad. Hope they catch the kidiot that was playing with illegal fireworks. As a drummer she could be ok, drumsticks are a balancing in the hand thing and I think you could learn to do it with only half a thumb and either middle or ring finger. Much worse I think would have been being the six flags foot amputee. God but how do you put prices on limbs and digits?
July 6th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Or a pricetag on vigilante-ism? Oh, I guess the price is $20,000…
I want a piece of the FL dillweed who ‘forgot’ about the chihuahua tried to back of his SUV and dragged it, foot and belly skin now gone. That shit seriously made me weepy. One year max sentence is not enough-