manunderstress.com

Survivalists just kill me. The first thing on my post-apocalyptic agenda after voluntarily becoming a zombie will be to hunt down them all down. That’s the game, yo…

South Park hit a home run last night with a hilarious deconstruction of the economic crisis.

Part Two
Part Three

As an advocate of disaster tourism, culture hacking, and the special olympics, I fully support the heckling and harassment of the AIG’s high echelon criminals, and the free market blowback rage that is currently threatening their lives. Relax, right? All laissez-faire economists should realize this is simply how the market corrects itself. Fuck with the people’s money and the people fuck you back. Eventually. We NEED to send this message, Godfather style. I’m talking horse head in the bed, ears and fingers of loved ones in the mail, flaming piles of shit on the doorstep, whatever. All of it.

A message to AIG from the Godfather:

On a side note it kills me how the media is labeling all of this public outrage as some sort of “populist” revolt. Since when has demanding accountability become synonymous with populism?

There is a lot of speculation that nerds contributed to the global financial meltdown with all their fancy pants statistical models that didn’t work. Neeeeeeerrrrrds!

The story goes something like this: The nerds emigrated from physics and mathematics to wall street for better paying jobs and fancy cars. The banks needed them to do their modeling wizardry with derivatives, so that the banks would know what and when to buy and sell, to make money and all that. This is called risk management, and the nerds were renamed quants. Meanwhile, the SEC was wooed by these new computer models, they seemed so sciencey after all, and began turning a blind eye to the whole process. Without proper regulation, they let them play with their derivatives, over-leveraging themselves in the the process with risky debt. Life was good for a while the money was flowing, as high-risk mortgage bundles were sold halfway across the world rated as triple A securities. The bad alchemy was working. Then came a little bump in the road. The housing bubble burst. The bubble that wasn’t supposed to burst. The computer models didn’t take this into account. Who’s fault was it? The quants? After all, their models were wrong. Only the quants and risk management officers will be the first ones to tell you that risk management is hardly a science. And they had already warned the Kings of Corporate America, who turned a blind eye with the government, and kept over-leveraging themselves.

What have we learned? What we already know. Risk science is hardly a science, and risk scientists will the first ones to admit it. Don’t blame a quant when there is a king in the room. The banks knew the risky mess they were getting themselves into all along.

I’m a big fan of online chat vs. telephone when it comes to dealing with account shit. Here I try and get the bank to drop some overdrafts, having some good fun with it. This dude was hilarious.

Parker: After reviewing your account, I see that your account was assessed with the overdraft fee correctly and no banking error occured.
You: true, there were several overdrafts. i am asking that perhaps you can find a soft spot in your heart and remove some of them since I am a long standing customer.
Parker: Your satisfaction is of highest priority for me. I am trying my best to help you resolve this issue.
You: thanks. i made a mistake and i am sorry for it.
Parker: I will give you my honest best efforts realizing your situation and considering your valued relationship with us.
Parker: I understand you, however it is my job to trust my system and allow a refund only for a banking error, however as a human it is also my responsibility to help you.
Parker: After reviewing your account history and valued relationship with Bank of America, I am able to refund $70.00 as Courtesy.
You: thanks for being a human and helping the humans over the machines.
Parker: I seriously imagined myself in your place and trusted you, also I expect you would place yourself in my place and realize that it’s not easy to make a refund if the bank does not authorize it.
You: your empathy is outstanding. it is true, refunds must be difficult, since the banks made some bad bets and certainly need all the
money they can get.
Parker: Yes, and I found you a very nice human being Charles.
Parker: Also, I expect you would not overdraw your account in future.
You: but i am confident that our government will bail them out with taxpayer money and save us all
You: i will not make this mistake again. i have learned my lesson, Parker. already i am punished for it.
Parker: Definitely! We all would be happy and back where we were 2 years ago.
Parker: I have submitted the request for the fee refund and the same you will be able to view under the pending section, once you refresh your account.
Parker: I hope I was quick?
You: thanks. you were great. the best ever. faster than a machine.
Parker: You’re welcome. I was happy to help you.
Parker: Have a great day ahead. I am sure it is going to be bright day for you and I hope it gets brighter for you everyday.
Parker: Thank you for being a wonderful customer and giving me an opportunity to assist you. I hope I again get a chance to assist you in future !

I like money, mostly because it buys ice cream and pills. But I just figured something out. The US government is trying to buy all of the bad debt in the universe in order to save us from annihilation, because they love us so much. What that translates to is that beginning next month, everyone can stop paying their mortgage! The precedent is being set…if your debt is bad, someone else will pay it. Capitalism is magic that way.

Also, before paper money becomes totally useless, you might want to convert what’s left of your cash and bad debts to facebook money. Facebook has taken off and will clearly be the successor to US monetary policy, when that system collapses in a month or so. Think about getting set up in Second Life too, so that when you lose your job and house in ‘Real Life’ you will at least have something.

It’s been virtual…

So good…

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

I had a dream last night that I pulled up to Dunkin Donuts drive-through and David Foster Wallace was working the window. He very routinely handed me my order, two donuts – one glazed, one chocolate cake- and a coffee, and then conspiratorially asked if I had anything else for him. I reached into the glove box and pulled out a large manuscript and handed it through the small window. He looked at it skeptically, leaned forward and whispered, “No, you know, I mean for the bank. ” And so it turns out that in this particular post-apocalyptic dreamscape all the world’s banks had collapsed and now Dunkin Donuts would “hold your money” in mafia-esque black market accounts, because after all we need someone to hold our money. Are we far off from this (not the recently deceased writers working at Dunkin Donuts part)?

Why regulation is stoopid.

It’s tempting to believe that government regulation of the Internet would be more consumer-friendly; history and economics suggest otherwise. The reason is simple: a regulated industry has a far larger stake in regulatory decisions than any other group in society. As a result, regulated companies spend lavishly on lobbyists and lawyers and, over time, turn the regulatory process to their advantage.