manunderstress.com

In celebration of the possible Bank of America wikileaks takedown, I offer one of my own unpublished wikileaks: an old Bank of America customer service chat with “Emmanuel.” This is for reals.

Emmanuel: How may I assist you today?
You: I closed my account over a month ago and just received a service charge.
You: I need the account FULLY closed and the service charge refunded.
Emmanuel: I understand that you want to close the account.
Emmanuel: May I have the last four digits of the account concerned?
You: It should already be closed.
Emmanuel: Thank you for the information
Emmanuel: Please be with me.
You: I will be with you.
Emmanuel: Thank you.
Emmanuel: I appreciate your time and patience to chat with me.
You: I enjoy our time together.
Emmanuel: Please bear with me for me minute.
Emmanuel: Thank you,
(several minutes pass)
You: You still there? I had a bubble bath while waiting.
Emmanuel: I sincerely apologize to keep you waiting.
Emmanuel: I see that I am successfully placed the request for closing
the account.
You: And the $8.95 charge will be refunded?
Emmanuel: I request you not to make any activity on the account
othewise the account will get active . The account will take 3-5
business days to close the account . I was able to refund the fee as
well.
Emmanuel: Is there anything else I may assist you today?
You: I haven’t made any activity on the account before, but they still
charged me. How do I know it won’t happen again?
Emmanuel: I see that the monthly maintenance fee was assessed to the account .
You: That’s the problem.
Emmanuel: It will occur in a month .
Emmanuel: I apologize and do regret the trouble you had to face today.
Emmanuel: I assure that you will not get this trouble again!
You: What will occur? I don’t want to get charged for an account I have closed.
You: So it is COMPLETELY closed now?
You: No more service charge?
Emmanuel: Yes!
Emmanuel: It will be closed!
Emmanuel: Is there anything else I may assist you today?
You: Yes, BoA has repaid the government bailout loans, so when do we get
reimbursement checks?
Emmanuel: I wish I could have answered but unfortunately my scope is
limited to Savings and Checking accounts.]
Emmanuel: I will help you with the contact details to get the query resolved
Emmanuel: Please contact us at: 1.800.432.1000. We are available from
7 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday through Friday and 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday
and Sunday, Local Time.
You: Ah, I see. Ok, thanks. Back to my bubble bath.
Emmanuel: Sure!
Emmanuel: It was a pleasure assisting you today. Have a pleasant day
and take care.
You: I enjoyed our time together.
Emmanuel: Bye and Have a great day ahead!

As an advocate of disaster tourism, culture hacking, and the special olympics, I fully support the heckling and harassment of the AIG’s high echelon criminals, and the free market blowback rage that is currently threatening their lives. Relax, right? All laissez-faire economists should realize this is simply how the market corrects itself. Fuck with the people’s money and the people fuck you back. Eventually. We NEED to send this message, Godfather style. I’m talking horse head in the bed, ears and fingers of loved ones in the mail, flaming piles of shit on the doorstep, whatever. All of it.

A message to AIG from the Godfather:

On a side note it kills me how the media is labeling all of this public outrage as some sort of “populist” revolt. Since when has demanding accountability become synonymous with populism?

Somewhere in the misty lands of corporate america, a building super is getting tough on smoking. Because that’s your job in a bureaucracy, making everyone else’s job more difficult. I’m not really kidding. Management has to justify their existence.

Smoking – Smoking is permitted in the designated area in the lower deck where the benches and ash trays are provided. Please remain in the smoking area and not in the pathway of oncoming traffic. Smoking is prohibited in the front of the buildings, in front of handicap parking, inside the parking decks, at the bottom of the hill and on top of the parking deck landing. We are receiving complaints that people are walking through smoke to get to their cars. Please do not use the old planters, grassy areas, pine straw and rocked areas to extinguish your cigarettes. Please use the designated smoking area only.

Update: this is not related to the cigarette smokers problem.

The ethanol issue is a wonderful example of delusional and self-serving government, pipe dreaming about energy independence.

Economists argue that making ethanol from corn wouldn’t make any sense without the government’s help. The mix of federal and state subsidies to corn ethanol amounted to a conservative estimate of $5 billion to $7 billion in 2006, says Koplow of Earth Track. A considerable chunk of that money comes from the 51¢ tax refund for each gallon of ethanol refiners blend with gasoline to make fuels that can power flexible-fuel cars.

At the same time, the government imposes a 54¢-per-gallon tariff on ethanol from Brazil, which is a cheaper and more energy-efficient product made from sugar cane. Some economists say American politicians are subordinating smart energy policy for political support in key states like Iowa.

I’m all for energy alternatives. If ethanol is worth it’s weight in corn, let it speak for itself. Let it compete with other technologies in a free market with no subsidies and the most efficient will prevail.