manunderstress.com

In celebration of the possible Bank of America wikileaks takedown, I offer one of my own unpublished wikileaks: an old Bank of America customer service chat with “Emmanuel.” This is for reals.

Emmanuel: How may I assist you today?
You: I closed my account over a month ago and just received a service charge.
You: I need the account FULLY closed and the service charge refunded.
Emmanuel: I understand that you want to close the account.
Emmanuel: May I have the last four digits of the account concerned?
You: It should already be closed.
Emmanuel: Thank you for the information
Emmanuel: Please be with me.
You: I will be with you.
Emmanuel: Thank you.
Emmanuel: I appreciate your time and patience to chat with me.
You: I enjoy our time together.
Emmanuel: Please bear with me for me minute.
Emmanuel: Thank you,
(several minutes pass)
You: You still there? I had a bubble bath while waiting.
Emmanuel: I sincerely apologize to keep you waiting.
Emmanuel: I see that I am successfully placed the request for closing
the account.
You: And the $8.95 charge will be refunded?
Emmanuel: I request you not to make any activity on the account
othewise the account will get active . The account will take 3-5
business days to close the account . I was able to refund the fee as
well.
Emmanuel: Is there anything else I may assist you today?
You: I haven’t made any activity on the account before, but they still
charged me. How do I know it won’t happen again?
Emmanuel: I see that the monthly maintenance fee was assessed to the account .
You: That’s the problem.
Emmanuel: It will occur in a month .
Emmanuel: I apologize and do regret the trouble you had to face today.
Emmanuel: I assure that you will not get this trouble again!
You: What will occur? I don’t want to get charged for an account I have closed.
You: So it is COMPLETELY closed now?
You: No more service charge?
Emmanuel: Yes!
Emmanuel: It will be closed!
Emmanuel: Is there anything else I may assist you today?
You: Yes, BoA has repaid the government bailout loans, so when do we get
reimbursement checks?
Emmanuel: I wish I could have answered but unfortunately my scope is
limited to Savings and Checking accounts.]
Emmanuel: I will help you with the contact details to get the query resolved
Emmanuel: Please contact us at: 1.800.432.1000. We are available from
7 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday through Friday and 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday
and Sunday, Local Time.
You: Ah, I see. Ok, thanks. Back to my bubble bath.
Emmanuel: Sure!
Emmanuel: It was a pleasure assisting you today. Have a pleasant day
and take care.
You: I enjoyed our time together.
Emmanuel: Bye and Have a great day ahead!

Survivalists just kill me. The first thing on my post-apocalyptic agenda after voluntarily becoming a zombie will be to hunt down them all down. That’s the game, yo…

As an advocate of disaster tourism, culture hacking, and the special olympics, I fully support the heckling and harassment of the AIG’s high echelon criminals, and the free market blowback rage that is currently threatening their lives. Relax, right? All laissez-faire economists should realize this is simply how the market corrects itself. Fuck with the people’s money and the people fuck you back. Eventually. We NEED to send this message, Godfather style. I’m talking horse head in the bed, ears and fingers of loved ones in the mail, flaming piles of shit on the doorstep, whatever. All of it.

A message to AIG from the Godfather:

On a side note it kills me how the media is labeling all of this public outrage as some sort of “populist” revolt. Since when has demanding accountability become synonymous with populism?

Brand Obama is certainly indisputable. If nothing else, sales of Obama merchandise alone might get us out of the great depression part 2 the quickening. Perhaps Obama branded merchandise could actually be the next Big Bubble. Good luck, Obama dude, you’ve got quite a mythology to live up to. Obama as Jesus. Obama as hipster icon. You are a legend, an icon, a hero, and you haven’t even started your job. That’s some pressure. Sure, I feel the hope, but only like an alcoholic after a near death bender. Excuse me if I’m a little skeptical of either of these political parties of ours that have gotten us here in the first place, and the soaring fancy talk that woos the credulous and adamant. But I’ll keep paying my mortgage just to pitch in.

Stringer Bell from The Wire with pragmatic business advice for the American automotive industry seen here in season 3 episode 1.

(skip to 1:30 for this)

“Your territory ain’t gonna mean shit, if your product is weak. Go ahead and ask them motherfuckers trying to sell them Ford tentpoles and you got niggas riding around in Japanese and German cars in America all day. “

So listen up, idiots, and adjourn your asses.

We must save Circuit City. In these dark times of bank failures and evil terrorist debts wreaking havoc upon our nation letting Circuit City fail would have a disastrous ripple effect. A financial tsunami like none before it…or like several before it. But even worse, it would take away one of the few remaining places to browse consumer electronics and not buy them. This cannot happen. Where else can non-shoppers go when they want to browse a flat screen before buying it online for 50% cheaper? No, Circuit City is just as important as AIG or FreddieMac, or that other beacon of American quality, the automotive industry. We must not let it fail.

I like money, mostly because it buys ice cream and pills. But I just figured something out. The US government is trying to buy all of the bad debt in the universe in order to save us from annihilation, because they love us so much. What that translates to is that beginning next month, everyone can stop paying their mortgage! The precedent is being set…if your debt is bad, someone else will pay it. Capitalism is magic that way.

Also, before paper money becomes totally useless, you might want to convert what’s left of your cash and bad debts to facebook money. Facebook has taken off and will clearly be the successor to US monetary policy, when that system collapses in a month or so. Think about getting set up in Second Life too, so that when you lose your job and house in ‘Real Life’ you will at least have something.

It’s been virtual…

So good…

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON